the light breaks through the reaching leaves of the trees
sunshine
warmth
healing
the path twists and turns
a bridge
a bridge to somewhere a bridge to something something unknown
do I cross
do I stay
how do we know
we choose
we act
we trust
I love Jewish rituals. I particularly like the rituals around mourning. The way one moves through stages of grief and eventually has an unveiling to formally close grieving and move forward. But I have to say I am not sure I love our funerals. They are pretty somber. No music no flowers. I understand the reasoning behind it but for my dad, someone whose smile lit up a room and had a laugh that was infectious, it just seems wrong.
I think if he had his way the air would be filled with the sounds of Citi Field and the National Tennis Center, not to mention the soulful sound of Matt's saxophone channeling the grandfather he never knew - my dad's brother Marty.
My dad loved sports, and music, particularly jazz. There were his beloved Brooklyn Dodgers. I don't think anyone loved a team more. And truth be told I'm not completely unconvinced that this years NY Mets didn't hasten his exit. Can we all take a minute and be grateful that he didn't see the game yesterday. Speaking of grateful...I want to say something about gratitude.
Gratitude creates flow, happiness and abundance in your life. It is a simple shift in consciousness that expands your energy and allows more positive energy to enter your life.
There really is so much to be grateful for—so many little things that bring us joy.
So what are the things we can be grateful for today?
-That my dad saw all of his grandchildren complete their bat or bar mitzvah ritual.
-That he enjoyed trips to Boston and Vermont (more in the warm weather) but saw Adam and Mary together again
-That he got to have a big 50th anniversary party with my mom.
-That he traveled all over the world...probably more places after his stroke than before - most notably the epic trip to London last year when against all of our better judgment my mom insisted they go and my dad got to be at the most sacred ground of tennis Wimbledon with me and my family.
So yes it is sad, but please take a minute and think about something fun, something good, some happy memory you have about my dad, and be grateful. Be grateful that we all had the privilege of knowing him. Give Marty and Millie and big kiss. I love you dad.
Intention.
What is intention? The goal or purpose behind a specific action or set of actions.
Everyday we make choices about our actions - some are intentional and some are not. We make a choice to act a certain way, or sometimes we act without intention. Maybe the actions are far less important than how they are perceived by others.
Perception v. Reality.
The phrase “perception is reality” was created by political consultant, Lee Atwater in the 1980s. It means don't worry about the facts, if you can get people to believe something it becomes a de facto fact. That is a painful political truism. But what does that mean for interpersonal relationships. It may translate into reading into situations long after they’ve happened, adding layers of meaning that might not even be there. We humans often default to negative attribution bias. But, wouldn’t life be better if we presume positive intent?
What does it mean to presume positive intent?
Presuming positive intent means always starting from the idea that a person meant well or was doing their best, no matter what they say or do. It isn’t easy. Try it out for a week and let me know how it goes.
the person who bumps into you on the street - maybe they are running home to pick up a sick child or help an aging parent
the friend who forgets your birthday, doesn’t call, or send a card may be struggling with an illness
the non response to a text message or response lacking care or attention might be more about dealing with a family matter or a work issue than anything else
It isn’t easy. But by assuming negative intent we only hurt ourselves. We spend so much time in our heads constructing scenarios, we lose the ability to act with good intention towards everyone else. Assigning blame and malicious intent is a habit, and requires conscious effort to break. It takes practice to figure out how to interpret people’s actions but if we can all begin to assume good intentions by default, we will feel happier. We have total control over how to choose to respond to any given situation. Yes, there are inconsiderate and thoughtless people, but rarely do the people you know and love deliberately try to cause hurt or harm.
Practice assuming the best in people, particularly those you know and love.
Presume positive intent. For their sake. And yours.
Today’s View From on the Shore
What does it mean to be unsettled?
What is the definition of unsettled? There are quite a few, but here are some according to Miriam Webster:
“not settled; not fixed or stable; without established order; unorganized; disorganized”
“continuously moving or changing; not situated in one place: an unsettled life.”
“wavering or uncertain, as in opinions or behavior; unstable; erratic: an unsettled state of mind.”
“undetermined, as a point at issue; undecided; doubtful”
What makes us unsettled? Uncertainly about jobs, concern about our kids, money, wondering what will happen in our future, and even what happened in our past.
The thing is that we can’t change the past, and we certainly can’t predict the future so it’s all about the present.
It is an interesting dilemma.
What makes me feel unsettled?
Change. Change makes me feel unsettled. This is tough. Steady ground is hard to find in the world right now. Things shift and move around us constantly and nothing is secure. The not-knowing is unsettling especially for someone who likes to know what is coming next, likes to be prepared, likes to be able to handle what is coming. And notwithstanding reading books, listening to podcasts, and attending yoga workshops that teach living in the “here and now” sometimes what happens next is all I can think about. Yet, I’m reminded of the need to stay present with this great quote.
“The ability to be in the present moment is a major component of mental wellness.” -Abraham Maslow
So, I post this in the here and now, and for this moment I am not looking forward, I am not looking back. I sit with the not knowing, with the uncertainty, and I aim to be settled, at least for a moment.
Are you settled? Unsettled?
A reflection From On The Shore…..about a spectacular book – one that touched my soul.
Let's Take The Long Way Home by Gail Caldwell is a profound piece of writing. It's about love, joy, pain, and ultimately death, the death of the author's best friend and fellow writer, Caroline Knapp. But mostly the book is about their friendship.
Love and friendship, allowing yourself to open up and know someone, and be known by that other person – that is a rare and special thing.
It made me ache for that feeling of comfort when you are with people who get it, people who get you. If you are lucky enough to find that kind of friendship, don’t let it go.
“Love recognizes no barriers. It jumps hurdles, leaps fences, penetrates walls to arrive at its destination full of hope.”
— Maya Angelou
Today’s View From On The Shore
Do you expect things of yourself? Of others?
Are there certain areas of your life where expectations are high, and others where they are low? Where do these expectations come from? What purpose do they serve? Do they help you or hurt you?
There are many quotes about expectations. For example, this one.
“If you expect nothing from anybody, you’re never disappointed.” ― Sylvia Plath
While it may be true, it is also very sad.
Here is another one from a very different writer.
“Expectation is the root of all heartache." ― William Shakespeare
So if we follow the thinking laid out by these writers, should we go through life with no expectations? We may be eliminating all disappointment and heartache but are we also missing out. Are all expectations truly bad? Perhaps the issue is what we do with the expectation — holding on to the picture in our head of how it is supposed to be, the outcome that is supposed to occur. Maybe it is the “supposed to” that gets us in trouble. Maybe there is a middle ground. A place that expectation ends and hope begins.
Hope is different from expectation because it is less the assumption that something is actually going to happen, but rather the wish that it might. Hope is an optimistic state of mind. Hope is the emotion of the beginner’s mind. With hope there is possibility and promise.
Which approach do you take? Is it one of expectation or hope?
Today’s View From On The Shore
Self Doubt. How many of us can honestly say that this is something that we haven’t experienced. We all have self doubt at one time or another (except maybe Tom Brady). Whether it is parenting choices, a job interview that didn’t feel like it went very well, or even a job that might not have gone as planned. Or maybe you doubt your ability to re-enter the workforce after a long hiatus, or even your decision about your career choices.
So, how do we deal with self doubt?
I heard an expression yesterday in yoga class that really stuck with me — The Beginner’s Mind.
So, what does it mean to have a Beginner’s Mind and what does it have to do with self doubt?
As Zen teacher Suzuki Roshi famously said, “In the beginner’s mind there are many possibilities, but in the experts there are few.” When we start to learn anything for the first time — a new task or even new phase in life - we are fresh, curious, and open to all the many possibilities and paths. Our mind has not yet been ingrained with opinions, ideas, or concepts that we view as absolute certainties. The Beginner’s Mind is an awakened mind, one beyond certainties and opinions.
So if we apply a Beginner’s Mind to our self doubt we can’t help but to pull ourselves out of it — because it is a mind beyond opinion, even of ourselves.
So, what do you doubt about yourself? What concrete thinking are you willing to shed? How might you use your Beginner’s Mind?
(With gratitude to Louie DePasquale - yogawithlouie.com - for helping me open my Beginner’s Mind)
Anne Lamott has said that, almost all good writing begins with terrible first effort. Actually, she said it this way, “A shitty first draft, while not a thing of beauty, is a miracle of victory over nothingness, inertia, bad self-esteem.” Well, this is my shitty first draft.
I am not really a writer, but I am creating this site as a space to capture my thoughts, my ideas, my fears, and my hopes. So, maybe someone will read these words and be inspired, or help inspire me. The images on the site are all special seasides venues that inspire me….from my hometown of Lido Beach to Provincetown, Ipswich, Newburyport, Gloucester, Marblehead, Boynton Beach, Coronado, among others.
My first questions from on the shore are:
What brings you joy? What makes you happy? What is your life’s purpose?